I must say that my current routine had been tremendously
changed. Instead of having fun reading some gossips at Forum Cari, I spent a
lot in reading some of the motivational books, and some articles about self
growth and also, my favourite at the moment is reading Tuesday Love Letter from Aida Azlin
This past few weeks had really put myself in a position
where I never thought that I will be into. Not depression, but I must say im in
a position where I am in battle with my inner self. My heart says A while my
logic mind says B. and im struggle with what I wanted to do in my life versus
why I cannot do whatever I wanted to do in my life.
I knew from the start that I don’t want to be a QS, I know
from the very start when I know how construction industry works, I know I don’t
want to be a part of that. But Allah sent His greatness, Rezki to me through
this. Becoming a QS. This battle, with your innerself, is something that always
become a reason, every morning. Every morning I had to wake up and the 1st
thing that came out from my mouth was “Malasnya kerja….” , and I will take EL,
UPL, MC or whatever it is, just because I feel like I don’t want to show up. I don’t
want to do something that I don’t want to do. When Im in the office, Im
struggled to cope with the numbers of task, not-in-the-same-page with my
superior a lot, and up to the point where I don’t feel like belong. Im sad, and
frustrated with myself.
Before, I quit with my previous job because one point, I
have nothing to do at the office. I don’t feel the blessing from the money
& salary I earn every month. Its never enough. It’s a good pay but sadly,
at the end of the month, I don’t have savings. I don’t have money, and Im not happy. And the same things started to
happen here. Im not happy, not in term of how much I earn at the end of the
month, but I don’t feel the blessings. Because, im not sincere with everything.
Im feeling like I’ve been forced doing something that I don’t want to do. Truth
to be told, it had been 2years im feeling this way. (T____________T) . Why
Allah test me this way?
And today, Tuesday Love Letter from Aida Azlin shared
something that made me looking at all this with a different perspective .
“maybe it is Him trying to tell you, "my dear, there is
something so important that I want you to learn. It will benefit no one but
yourself. But you've got to stop being angry, stop being frustrated, and stop
giving up. Instead, be still and find Me in these tests you are facing. Find Me
in your struggles, and you'll then understand why it happened the way it
happened. Find Me in your hardships, and you will get yourself a firm handhold
that will never break."
Maybe the one you think not good for you is good for you.
Im trying to look at things in a different perspective which
still, Im still struggling at it. I just need to write and share it out. To be
honest, it is so much in my heart and deep thoughts at the moment. Am I being
selfish if I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do? What if all the test and whatever
im having now is what Allah want to show me – where I am belong? Can I just
accept the fact that MAYBE this is my fate? IF I do whatever I wanted to do –
can I be success in it?
Oh my little heart,
What should I do?
